Could Life be Worth Any MORE? pt 2

Life had instantly become a nightmare. I had so many questions. fear filled my mind. Doubt. Concern. And all of the WHAT IF'S? What if she gets ill? What if she gets worse? When will she get worse? Will she die? The questions filled my mind and there I sat all alone, with no one to answer me. I sat there. She sat there. All of a sudden I noticed, she really was my life changer.

With one sentence my entire life changed quicker than the day I delivered her. I had 9 months to prepare for that, this was from left field. When we finally got our release documents I stumbled to gather our things. We went to the car and drive home in silence. Caileigh in the back seat sleeping while I was in the front seat fighting. fighting tears. Fighting doubt. Fighting the knowledge that I obtained but wanted to lose so badly. Fighting the want to lose the will I once had. She and I had been through a lot but how would we overcome this?

I will never forget putting her to bed that night. I walked out of her room, shut her door, and my body collapsed against the wall. I lost it. I cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. Tears came from so deep inside of me I thought they would never end. My shirt was soaked my hair was soaked until the tears stopped. I cried but there were no tears. I had finally cried the last tear I had in me. By that time it was 3:00am. I didn't sleep that night. I sat there wondering. Thinking. Contemplating.

Will she be able to be a ballerina? Will she be able to be a cheerleader? Will she be able to walk? Will she be in a wheel chair? Will she die? Oh my GOD... Will she die? I kicked myself. Only 2 years ago I cried knowing my life was over when she was delivered and how I nearly resented her then. If only I had know. I would have loved her more. I would have kissed and cuddled her more. I would have read three books instead of two and I never would have sent her to bed hungry because she didn't like what I made. What a disgrace I was.

But somehow we survived. She kept growing. I kept growing. I grew in more ways than I ever thought possible. I learned to be patient when she took an extra 10 minutes to climb the stairs, I learned to be patient when she fell down while we were walking in the mall. I learned compassion. I learned to be strong when inside I am in pieces, she could never know I was distraught inside. She taught me so many things so quickly without even knowing it.

On July 19th we celebrate my dear Caileigh's 5th birthday. What a miracle this is for me. It is in a way a birthday for me as well. I have dedicated 5 years of myself to this child and aided her in growing, as she dedicated 5 years of herself to help me to grow. We have had some rough patches. Broken bones, bouts of pneumonia, virus after virus, wheelchairs and x-rays. But we somehow survive.

I truly believe that God sent her to me as a gift. She taught me things some people die without knowing. She has made me a stronger person, a better mother, and a better companion. God never gives you more than you can handle. He knew I could love and take care of my precious life changer as he knew she could handle every obstacle her disability throws her way. God did a good job when he matched us together, he perfected love.